i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
