last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
