Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
