So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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