what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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