He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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