Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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