She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
