just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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