I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
