My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
