i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
