so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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