The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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