Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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