I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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