when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
