I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
