Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
