So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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