I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
