Four minutes until I can fart!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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