dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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