Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
