when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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