Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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