the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
