it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We talked him into tasing himself.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize