My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
