mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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