I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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