i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
