This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No...this little piggys going to the bar
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
