My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
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All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
