these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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