so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
