yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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