No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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