we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
