Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
