i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No subtext here. People are naked.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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