By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
