But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
