Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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