Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
