Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
