I could have mohawked her pubes.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
