we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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