I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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