you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
