i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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