There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
