Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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