i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
