I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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