I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
